Everybody Hurts
by milessinnerman
Summary: Both Jack and Sawyer are back to civilization. Sawyer moved on but Jack hasn't.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Everybody hurts – Chapter 1: Hard punch

Author: Miles Sinnerman

Spoiler: Season 3

Disclaimer: I don't own them. They own me, body and soul :P

Author's note: I've been thinking about this for so long! I'm sorry because English it's not my first language so I know I write and probably talk weird. Most of the time I think in Spanish so I have all my ideas upside-down.

This is my first post ever! Even in my own language and I can't believe I'm nervous. It's silly I know! But I am.

Enough of this prologue, so this is it! I want to tell a story, it's a little late I know, Lost finished so long ago! *tears* but this story keep coming to my mind so I tried to write it. Hope you like it or hate it and tell me so.

* * *

><p><em>Dad died last week. He couldn't be alone anymore. He missed him so much and wanted to be with him again. I understand. <em>

_Daddy died a few months ago. When it happened I looked at dad and knew right there he wouldn't be around much longer. I thought he looked at me trying to apologize for what it was going to come and I tried to tell him it was all right. _

_They gave me and my brothers the dreamed life and made us feel loved every day. I can assure they had a beautiful life together, but it wasn't always like this. They had a harsh beginning but fought for their love and for us every time. They taught me that pretty well. _

_I remember how they looked at each other. The little wrinkles forming at the side of their eyes as they smiled. They didn't need words. _

_Every time they told me their story I just couldn't believe it. The past they shared so completely different from the life they had. _

_Daddy travelled a lot. His books made him famous, more than he already was for surviving the crash. So I happened to share a great deal of time with dad. I loved it. He told me every story they shared with so many details, every one of them burnt in my brain. I always said to myself I'll write them for me, for my kids, for everyone who wanted to know their story. _

_I'm not a great writer as my daddy was, but I hope to transmit their love as they did it with me. I hope this help me not to miss them as much as I do right now._

_/_

_It's been a few months since the rest were rescued. Jack was so thrilled knowing Sawyer was rescued as well. He had been taking care of my mum and me as he had promised to him. When Sawyer arrived he claimed his territory and said to Jack he could take it from there. _

_Jack felt rejected and hurt and so, he disappeared._

_It'd been so long. He felt it. He counted every day, hour, minute and second that had passed without him. He wondered why too. Was it his own self punishment? If that was the case, why he needed to be punished for? Thing is, he knew why. So he suffered alone and was grateful for that. He deserved to be alone for being such a pussy, as he said to himself so many times._

_Slowly things went back to normal. He acknowledged that normal wasn't good enough, wasn't good at all. But still he waited to see if the pain went away. As it didn't, he cried in fetal position on his couch._

_Like that, two years had passed. Enough of this shit, he deserved better. He could fix it. _

_He went out looking for him. The reason for everything. The reason to breathe every fucking time. The hope. His body ached for him. Simply as that. So he listened to his body for the first time in a long time, instead of his head that only seemed to know shit._

_/_

He watches him from a certain distance and hates that he seems happy.

What's the plan? He hasn't got any. Just show up and see how it goes. So stupid. Now what? He's right there. Do something.

He waits to be sure he's alone. It's a warm day like those on the island and the sun goes away. The shadows in the street become larger and darker by the second. He delivers what to do but finds himself ringing the bell. The door opens and he is right there in front of him after all this time.

"Hey!" He says casually.

"Well, shut my mouth! Doc? What the fuck...?" He smiles happily.

"Hi Sawyer!" Jack stands still looking at him foolishly.

"C'mon in." he slowly moves his head downward as a sign of going inside. They hug forcefully but Sawyer ends it quickly patting him strongly on the shoulder. Jack feels a rollercoaster of feelings, Sawyer's body finally around him and abruptly the cold of abandon. He feels dizzy like he's going to fall. He shuts his eyes tightly and shakes his head quickly but Sawyer doesn't feel anything awkward.

Jack enters looking rapidly through everything. Everything is changed. Toys everywhere. Messy.

"Want somethin' to drink?" He offers. He's happy to see Jack. It's been so long. He missed him, even though he never did anything about it.

"Eh… sure, anything you got." His mouth is dry. He's frozen and feels suddenly so out place. He feels sick and wants to get out of there. He stares at a beautiful picture of Sawyer with his daughter, both of them laughing showing their dimples. _She's his all right_.

"Beer's ok?" Sawyer shouts from the kitchen as he takes two from the freezer and heads to the backyard knowing Jack will follow.

Jack is glad they went outside. He needs to breathe. He grabs the beer that Sawyer is offering and watches their hands almost touching and then directly into the other man's eyes. Sawyer seems easy and very intrigued with Jack's presence.

"So… what brings ya to fuckin' ol' Tennessee?" He asks sitting in a sun chair throwing his head a little bit to the left as he smiles.

"Um... to be honest, you" All of the sudden he's tired of hiding his feelings.

"Me huh? You like to explain me that a lit bit more?" He demands threatening with his look.

"Well actually I needed to talk to you about something." Jack answers buying time to think what to say next after burying himself to his nose.

"What is it, doc? Why are you so mysterious?" He watches the sadness in Jack's eyes as he notices Clementine´s toys in the corner.

"She loves that yellow horse" says Sawyer.

"Who?" Jack's mind had gone far away.

"Who you think who? My daughter!" Sawyer frowns.

"Clementine" Jack remembers when Sawyer had asked him to take care of his daughter. Back then they never thought they would rescue all of them. It's hurtful for Jack to think about Sawyer's daughter, it's the solid proof that they can't be together. _Clementine, Cassidy and Sawyer_. That's the family, there's no room for Jack. What was he thinking?

"You got that right. By the way, I never thanked you for doin' everythin' as you promised." He assures him.

"It's ok. I'm glad you were here soon enough to take care of it yourself, though." Jack says relieved.

"You keep doctorin'?" Sawyer asks changing the topic.

"In LA, yeah. Everything is back to normal now." _Normal_, thought to himself, what a laugh!

"Glad to hear it. So doc, what did ya wanna talk about?" He inquires getting tired of the small talk.

"I was afraid we get back to that…" he takes a sip from the bottle and wets his lips. "Do you miss the island?"

Sawyer is really surprised by the question. He thought about it from time to time, but his daughter steals most of his time now. He is completely absorbed by her. To his eyes, she is the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. He was afraid at first, knowing she wouldn't recognize him, but she surprised him from the very beginning. She smiled to him showing her own set of dimples and her beautiful green eyes and melted him right there.

"Miss it? Not really. I've got a good thing goin' on for me now. Maybe for the first time in my life." He isn't sure why he said that.

"Are you happy then?" Jack asks blatantly.

"Happy? I… don't know. Bein' a father is a strange thing, you know? I enjoy gettin' to know her every day and bein' with her it's amazin' but at the same time it kills me to know that I can't keep her safe from the world. Seriously? I ain't sure I'll ever be happy again." He answers while he keeps thinking about what he just said out loud.

"Wow, you're committed. That's great! " He finishes his beer and stands up. "I'm not sure why I came here Sawyer, I think I'll better go now."

"What?" He asks confused and stands up as well.

"I'm sorry I bothered you. Really am. I let you to your things. I'm sure you like to enjoy your time when you get to be alone. I let you to it" He says simply with a lame smile.

"What is it Jack? Tell me. It's OK" He assures him.

"Nothing really. I've been missing the island. That's all and I was wondering what all of you think about it" He lies.

"All of us? What, are you on a tour or somethin'? Goin' from place to place askin' us questions?" He suddenly feels angry.

"Something like that, yeah."

"That's stupid." He doesn't know what to think about anything anymore. He tries to soften his attitude. "So what? You've seen Kate? How is she?"

"I haven't seen anyone else yet."

Sawyer doesn't buy it. He travelled all the way from LA without seeing anyone else, it doesn't fit. "So after this, where to?" He questions.

"I don't know Sawyer, I'm still figuring it out." He doesn't know how to keep up the lie.

"You got somewhere to crash? I mean you check in a hotel or somethin'?"

"No. I haven't planned staying either."

"You can sleep here if you want. We got a spare room. Cassidy and Clementine are comin' in any time. They won't mind at all." He doesn´t know why he offered that. He doesn't want Jack to leave yet.

"Thanks, but I should get going really."

Immediately after, they hear the door opening. A little girl coming through runs quickly towards his dad. "Daddy!" Clementine shouts with joy.

"Hey there Sunshine, come here for a hug." She splashes herself to her dad and climbs him like a monkey. He helps her and picks her up.

"Baby girl, this is my friend Jack. Say hello to him." Sawyer instructs her.

"Hello Jack!" Says Clementine as she waves her hand awkwardly.

"Hello!" Jack grabs her hand and smiles. In response she shyly put her head in Sawyer's neck.

Cassidy comes in following her daughter. "Oh! Hi Jack! What a nice surprise!"

"Hello Cassidy, how are you?" Jack responses politely.

"Been better." Jack looks at Sawyer and then at Cassidy. An awkward silent surround them all.

"Um… Cas I was tellin' Jack he can stay here tonight."

"Sure thing." She answers quickly. "It's nice to have you here Jack, feel at home."

"Thanks, but I'm not staying."

"Come on, don't be silly, we have the spare room for something, don't you think? Besides you look like you need some rest." She is kind enough for Jack.

"Ok, thank you."

"Great. Come on Clemen lets leave your dad and friend alone, I'm sure they have a lot to catch up" She spreads her arms to her daughter so she climbs to her, but Clementine wants to stay with his dad.

"It's ok I got her. Jack doesn't mind." Sawyer assures her.

"Well in that case I'm gonna take a shower" and saying that she leaves them in the yard.

When they were sure she was gone, Jack dares to ask Sawyer "How are things with her?"

"Daddy and mummy get on very well, don't we Clem?" He answers Jack speaking straight to his daughter. Great, ask him this kind of question in front of her three years old daughter. Clever.

She nods shyly and fights to get down. Taking the hint, Sawyer puts her down and she runs to her yellow pony and hugs it.

"She really loves it" Jack comments. He looks at Sawyer, how his eyes bright when he sees his daughter. He loves him right now. "You're a changed man."

"A family guy, huh? Who'd have said that?" He smiles. They go silent again, but this time it was a comforting silence.

Jack gets to look at Sawyer who's lost in his own train of thought. Sawyer knows he's been stared at but he's too focus in his bad luck that he doesn't care a bit.

"She is dyin'." Sawyer says out of nowhere.

"What? Who's dying?" Asks cautiously.

"Cassidy."

"I saw her pretty well. What's the problem?"

"Cancer. Terminal"

"Oh! Jesus James!" _Why did he say his name? What is that? Pity?_

"Don't pity me doc!"

"It's not pity! I'm really sorry. How are you holding up?"

And there he was, thinking he has no chance at all. Why he is so glad? He feels like an awful person right now.

"Just takin' one day at a time. This sucks, you know?"

Jack wants to hug him and hold him so much, but doesn't know how to approach him without scaring him. With not much thought about it, he just does it.

He embraces Sawyer tenderly. Sawyer lets him a few seconds and then pats him. "I'll be fine Jack, don't you worry 'bout me"

Jack had been waiting for that hug for so many years. He has tears in his eyes and quickly looks away.

"Hey Clem, come here babe" she obeys rapidly. "While mummy finishes her bath, let's see what we can make for dinner, ok?"

"Yey!" she yells. She loves cooking with his father. She always grabs all the stuff her father asks for and looks carefully when he cooks. He sometimes lets her put her hands to work, when there's no need for knives or sharpen stuff.

He smiles at her, happy to know he has such a devoted helper. Jack follows them, slowly feeling at home.

"What can I do to help?" He asks.

Sawyer looks at Clementine. This is their thing. So it is important that if Sawyer lets Jack play, Clementine agrees to that.

"Um I don't know Jack, Clem and I always do the entire job." He says seriously. "Don't we?" Clementine nods. "But what do you say we let him help us this time, huh?"

"Ok daddy" Clementine responses with a smile.

Jack is glad they let him be part of that.

It looks like Sawyer has been doing all the house chores for quite a long time now, Jack can tell from the movements that he makes. He has built a habit of every move even though he's not aware of it. He also seems to have a personal code with his daughter. They look at each other and communicate without words.

They made pasta and it was delicious. Sawyer put Clementine to bed and Cassidy excused herself wanting to go to bed as well. She looked very tired.

Jack feels bad for his sudden intrusion into a family that has been having trouble of their own.

"I'm sorry Sawyer, for coming here like this. I shouldn't have been so selfish."

"What? You didn't know Jack. It's OK" They remain in silence for a while. "You want me to show ya the room? Wanna take a shower or somethin'?"

"Yeah I need a shower, I smell" He responses pulling his shirt back and forward with his thumb and index finger.

Sawyer shows him everything he needed to know. All the shower tricks and where the towels were. Jack nods every time without listening to a word he said, he just hears that southern drawl he loves so much and watches his beautiful lips move.

Jack busies himself with the shower and all, as Sawyer takes a book from the coffee table and sits on the couch. He continues where he left it waiting for Jack to finish but he's not able to concentrate in any word, he just looks at the letters there. Meanwhile Jack thinks about everything that just happened, he doesn't know what to do next. He wants to tell Sawyer everything but the timing can't be worst.

He imagines Sawyer's body around him under the same water, Sawyer's lips kissing his neck and biting slowly his earlobe. He starts touching himself picturing Sawyer entering him eagerly and tries not to make a sound. He comes quickly and looks at the come draining away. He feels totally pathetic.

He finishes his shower, puts some boxers and a shirt and goes to look for Sawyer.

"Hey"

"Everythin's ok?" Sawyer asks.

"Perfect, thanks" Jack sits near him. Sawyer keeps reading a little more and then energetically closes the book looking at him.

"Sawyer, I wanted to tell you that I'm here for you, for anything you need. If you want I can make an appointment for Cassidy with the best oncologist I know in LA. Maybe there's still something to be done. Or if you need help with Clementine I can give you a hand with her. I'm not experienced with children but I'm resourceful." He explains quietly.

"Well, look at that! Ain't that the berries! All friendly all of the sudden. Look, we've seen hundreds of doctors, they all told us the same, there's no turnin' back. As far as Clementine is concerned I can take care of her all by myself. Thank you very much." He says angrily.

"I know you can! You're doing a great job I have no doubt about it. I'm not saying you can't do it I'm just offering my help if you need it. That's all."

"Well thanks but no thanks. You have your own issues to take care of. 'Sides who are you to tell me if I'm doin' a great job or not! You don't know shit. "

Jack puts a hand on Sawyer's knee very afraid of doing so.

"I know I went MIA. I know you are not willing to trust me yet, but all I want you to know is that I care about you, ok? I can help you" Jack says watching Sawyer directly in his eyes.

"After all we've been through on that fuckin' island you disappeared and after all this time you come here like nothin' happened, expect me to trust ya and tell me I can count on ya? You're fuckin' nuts!"

Jack slowly removes his hand from his previous position and remains quiet like he has been grounded.

"I'm sorry James. I am. It's been really hard for me. But I was being selfish, I know that now. Please James you gotta let me in. I want to help you."

"Look doc, nothin' happened between us, ok? I don't know how you choose to remember what happened, but I'm tellin' ya it was nothin'. The island made us vulnerable that's all! I was havin' a fever and couldn't think straight. You wanted to kiss me, I allowed it. Big fuckin' huge mistake. That's it. I ain't queer. I ain't interested in ya and I ain't goin' to let ya in, in any way possible."

"I don't get it Sawyer, something happened o didn't. So what is it?"

"Don't fuck with me, doc. I don't need this shit right now." He warns him.

"You're right." Jack says thinking back remembering that kiss. "Silly me" He laughs. "I'm gonna go now. Tell Cassidy I'm sorry for going like this and give Clemmy a kiss for me"

Jack stands up, goes to his room, finishes dressing and grabs his things. When he comes to the living room, Sawyer is still in the same position he left him.

"Goodbye Sawyer. It was nice seeing you." Sawyer stands up with the only purpose to open the door for Jack.

"Yeah you too. Bye doc" They look at each other one last time and that was it.

Jack grabs a taxi and goes directly to the airport. He is exhausted, confused and depressed. What was all that? That was fighting for him? Coward.


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Everybody hurts – Chapter 2: Fresh start

Author: Miles Sinnerman

Spoiler: Season 3

Disclaimer: I don't own them. They own me, body and soul :P

* * *

><p>Back in LA he tries to focus on his work. He works very hard for a long time. The hospital offered him his father's position but he refused. He doesn't want that kind of responsibility.<p>

He works during the day and drinks during the night and just like that days go by without living them at all.

More than a year passed. He doesn't feel pain anymore. It's worse than that, he doesn't feel anything. He's numb.

Cassidy died six months ago. Sawyer kept on with his life as he could for Clementine's sake. Everything is twice as hard. The thing that worries him the most is Clementine's sadness. She lost her own and unique spark and he just wants her to have it back.

He has to think carefully now, Clementine is less than a year from start pre-school and he has to offer her a definitely place to live with a good school nearby and far away from their old neighbor so they can have a fresh start.

He grabs a map of the country and puts it on the floor. He asks Clementine to close her eyes and put her index finger wherever she wants. He explains "In case we choose weird places, we got 3 shots ok?" Clementine looks at his daddy, nods, and moves her finger all over the map till she stops. Temple, Texas.

"Oh honey! I think it's too hot and republican for us! Let's try again". Clementine pays attention to his father. She doesn't understand what he says but smiles anyway happy to continue playing. She moves her finger again with her eyes closed. King Salmon, Alaska. Sawyer laughs out loud. "Alaska? Oh no! Too cold!" he says moving his hands over his arms. Clementine laughs too.

"Ok, Clem", he looks at her seriously. "One last shot!" Clementine looks at the map, then at his father. She exhales and concentrates. Such an actress he thinks.

She closes her eyes one last time and moves her finger very slowly over the map. Los Angeles, California.

"You want to be an actress huh?" She nods energetically.

"Ok sweetheart, LA it is" They hug and he kisses her loudly on her cheek.

Sawyer packed everything they have, sold the house and all that belonged to Cassidy. In less than a month they were there.

Clementine loves it, he can tell. She is so excited about everything. The spark isn't there yet, but he thinks she's close.

He looked at several schools and finally chose the Overland Avenue Elementary School. He also bought a house in the Bradbury Road very close to the school.

Every detail seems to be covered. He is pleased and doesn't have to worry about money. Oceanic took care of that.

Clementine loves the school. They have a preschool program and she fitted perfectly.

Time passed and Clementine stops asking about her mom. Sawyer isn't sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. He waits to see how she behaves.

He picks her up from school as usual.

"How was school honey?" He has to laugh to himself at that. He couldn't believe what he had turned into.

She shrugs without speaking. _'So that kind of day'_ he thinks. "I think someone very pretty I know deserves an ice-cream today"

"So tomorrow another one! I'm gonna be pretty tomorrow too right daddy?" She adds smiling. "And very smart too" adds Sawyer.

They go to the Westwood Blvd. He bought her favorite flavors and then they walked around holding hands.

That night Clementine feels sick. Very sick. Her fever rises to 103°F and he is scared shitless. He grabs the car keys, picks her up and drives to St. Sebastian Hospital.

He asks for him on the front desk. They say that he is in surgery and assure him they can take care of her daughter, there´s no need to disturb Dr. Shephard. He knows he's overreacting, that it's probably nothing, but he is only willing to put his child in the hands of the man who once saved his life and no one else's.

Fortunately Jack finished his surgery very soon, and went to the room where they said that someone very persistent was waiting for him and only him.

Without looking he says as he cleans himself up "Excuse me, you were looking for me? What can I do for you…" he looks up just to see how to finish the sentence with Sir or Madam. "…? Sawyer? What are you doing here?" His heart begins pumping very hard.

"Doc, it's Clementine. She's got this fever, I didn't know what to do" Sawyer goes straight to the point.

"Oh, ok. Let me see her. Put her down on this bed." Sawyer obeys and Jack tries to stay cool.

"Hi Clementine, you are huge! Do you remember me? I'm Jack." He smiles to her but she does nothing.

"Let's see. Do you feel any pain?" She points to her head.

"Your head hurts?" She nods.

"Can you tell me exactly where?" She points to her left ear.

Jack checks everything and follows the routine. "Ok baby girl it's all right. Here, have this candy. You were great." He looks at Sawyer. "She'll be fine, don't worry about it. It's an ear infection. I will give you some meds and I'll explain you how to administrate it to her, ok?" He says in doctor mode.

Sawyer is serious and listens to him very carefully. Jack has to laugh. "She's ok Sawyer!"

"It's just … she puts me that sad puppy face and I don't know what to do"

"Yeah, she is something." They both watch her in silence.

Going back to business. "You have to fill in these forms." He gives him all the papers. "I'm done for tonight so if you want I can walk you out." Jack offers gently.

They both realized Clementine fell asleep. "You finish the forms, I can carry her." Jack says. He grabs her gently and the three of them leave the room.

Sawyer leaves the forms in the front desk and follows Jack who went outside to the parking lot.

"Where to?" Jack asks.

"That's my car". Sawyer answers pointing to the black Prius. They put her carefully in the back seat.

"You want me to drive ya home?" Sawyer asks. Jack has his own car parked a few cars from this, but says nothing about it. "Ok"

"So how long you've been living here?" Jack wonders after saying where he lives.

"Since Cassidy died, almost a year now." Sawyer answers looking straight ahead.

"How is she?" Jack asks him moving his head slightly backwards pointing to her.

"Hard to say, sometimes she seems happy but some other times I know she misses her."

"Give her time, she'll get through this."

"I know what is to lose a mother when you are young. Your mind plays tricky games. You feel rejected from the world. You don't understand why this happened to you of all people. You feel guilty somehow."

"She has you, Sawyer. That is the best thing that could ever happen to her. A present and loving father who understands how she feels."

"I don't know doc, she doesn't say anythin'. She locked herself up"

"You'll reach her. Don't worry."

Clementine wakes up and starts to complain about the pain. "Why don't we go to your place?" Offers Jack. "You can put Clementine to bed and make her comfortable. I can call a cab from there."

This is about his daughter so he doesn't think it twice. "Sounds good to me." Jack smiles even though nobody is watching him.

Sawyer hits the accelerator and they were home in no time. "Here we are." He gets out and opens Clementine's door, "Baby c'mon. Let me carry you."

Sawyer carries her and Jack deals with all the closings and opening doors. They put her in bed and give her the first dosage of medicine. She falls asleep exhausted.

Sawyer closes the door carefully. "You ate somethin'?" He asks Jack. "No, but it's ok I'm calling a cab and going home."

"I'm starvin'. I have some leftovers and I only have to heat that up. So what you say?" Sawyer says.

"Ok then." Jack is famished. It was a very long day and as usual he didn't eat anything during the whole day.

Sawyer doesn't have any wine. He's not the wine type. He enjoys drinking it but doesn't know which to buy. "I have beer." He says.

"Great." Jack answers. He needs something stronger, but doesn't complain about it.

They ate. Sawyer only talked about Clementine. Jack commented about the house. "This place is perfect, Sawyer. I didn't know you have such a good taste in decorating." He says ironically.

"Less things you have, it better looks."

Jack looks at him straight in the eye. He is looking for something, a hint that assures him that it's ok. _Nothing, damn it._

"I should go" Sawyer walks him to the door, while Jack searches for a cab number in his cell phone. The night is lovely, perfect temperature, no wind. Just like the island. They can wait outside.

It's been a long time since both of them have physical contact and suddenly there is this electricity in the air that surrounds them both.

Jack finds the number but doesn't dial it. He looks at Sawyer and grabs his hand so very gently. Sawyer only looks at their hands but doesn't look up. He is terrified. Jack finds the way through the hair curtain and kisses him.

Sweet at first. Sawyer does nothing. Jack insists. Jack's mouth is on his, hungrily searching a response from Sawyer's lips. The sensation of Jack's lips makes him shiver. For a moment he thinks about the neighbors, but then again it's late and they aren't making any noise. That thought distracts him. He makes a small noise against Jack's lips, trying to tell him to stop, but ends up welcoming Jack's demanding tongue into his mouth.

Jack presses himself closer to Sawyer's body, not wanting the kiss to end. He seeks out Sawyer's tongue with his own, feeling Sawyer's texture. He's starving, wanting to devour him completely. It feels so good. So perfect. Sawyer hates that.

Jack lets go Sawyer's hand and moves his hands to his neck grabbing his head firmly as he guides the kiss. The sound of Sawyer gasping for breath is incredibly erotic.

Jack doesn't want to end the kiss whatsoever, he just wants to for the time to stop, so they can be like this forever. Hot, curious, starving. The fear, the doubt and the excitement all together but Sawyer puts a stop to it. By that time they were both hard and panting.

"I see your point, doc. You should go now" He enters the house breathless and leaves Jack behind and alone.


	3. Chapter 3

Title: Everybody hurts – Chapter 3: Realization

Author: Miles Sinnerman

Spoiler: Season 3

Disclaimer: I don't own them. They own me, body and soul :P

* * *

><p>Jack was annoyingly happy. That was a hopeful turn of events. It's been three days and he hasn't heard of Sawyer yet. He gave him his number in case something happened to Clementine but didn't ask for his.<p>

One more day passed and he is dying. He has a break at the hospital and uses it to charm Melanie, the girl in charge of the hospital´s bureaucracy. He knows she has a little crush on him so he takes advantage of that.

He finally gets the number, but as he didn't think it through, he doesn't know what to do with it now. Strictly as a doctor he says to himself.

"Ford speakin'"

"Hey"

"Doc, what's up?"

_Funny he asks that_, Jack thinks. "I wanted to know how Clementine is feeling."

"She's better doc. I almost finish the meds. When she can go back to school?"

"Today is Thursday, so… this Monday will be fine."

An awful awkward silence comes.

Sawyer is not willing to admit anything yet. Deep down he knows he accepted the idea of coming to LA, he could have told Clementine that LA was an awful place to live and persuade her to try again. He knows he could have gone to any clinic available near his home, it was just a fever and there was no need to bother a spinal surgeon about it. He knows he could have dropped Jack at his house, but continued driving to his place even though they were two blocks from Jack's home. He was the one who pushed every time, not Jack. He was the one who made everything possible. Now he is cold feet but deep down he knows, so as Jack.

"So Monday um… I… I've never thanked you for what you did with Clementine" Sawyer manages to say.

"It was nothing, really. I'm not used to deal with children but she is very easy to be with."

"Yeah she is an angel."

"About what happened the other day…" Jack finally accomplishes to bring the subject up. "How are you feeling about it?"

He remembers when he had just got rescued. He was rescued a few months after Jack was. Jack did everything that he had promised him on the chopper. He went to see Cassidy, gave her money and said that if she needed anything she could count on him. By the time Sawyer appeared on the scene, Cassidy knew he was a changed man, that the island did something to him, so she allowed him to be part of her life and her daughter's. What she also knew was that she was sick and she wouldn't live long, so she took advantage of the situation. She had to be sure she would leave her daughter in good hands. Sawyer realized all of this a little time later and was fine with that. He never loved Cassidy for real. The last months she was in pain all the time and they practically never had sex. All of that was done for Clementine's sake and Sawyer came to realize that that was what it meant to be a father. He never knew otherwise.

"I ain't sure doc. I have my daughter to take care of now. She needs me and I don't know how she'll take any of this." He says defensibly.

"You can't play your daughter card much longer, Sawyer. I know how you feel." Where all that bravery came from? He suddenly grows some balls.

Sawyer falls silence and then hangs up.

"Sawyer? Are you there?" Jack asks. Nothing. Nicely done. Scare the man. Now you'll have to work him all over.

Jack calls him every day, leaves him thousands of messages. No luck.

Monday arrives and it's his day off, so he takes a shot and goes to see him. He knows he'll have to take Clementine to school, so he waits in the car for him to come home luckily alone. He finally does.

Jack rings the bell and waits. Sawyer appears "Yeah? … _Fuck_."

Jack enters without asking permission. "We need to talk." He says seriously with a half-smile.

"We do?" Sawyer acts surprised and closes the door.

Jack grabs him from behind and embraces him. He whispers in his ear "I want you so much. I fucking need you." Sawyer stops breathing and closes his eyes. His heart pumps furiously and his cock fills rapidly as he feels Jack's cock pulsing hard on his ass. Jack's hands travel all over Sawyer's body. He adds pressure to his touch and brushes his lips near to Sawyer's ear, letting his breath caress his skin. Sawyer winces slightly and bites his lips when Jack's tongue circle around his ear. Jack presses his body fully against Sawyer's back and the blonde gasps for air.

Sawyer moves his head backwards over Jack's shoulder and arcs his back. Like this, they kiss furiously, angry with themselves for waiting all this time. Without stop touching him, Sawyer turns and grabs Jack's head between his hands. He plunges into the wet heat and fucks his mouth. He runs his fingers over Jack's short hair and caresses his skull.

He stops suddenly and grabs roughly Jack's forearms, Jack tries to lose himself, but Sawyer holds him firmly. He just wants to see him, his pink cheeks, swollen lips and perfect body. "You're so fuckin' beautiful" he says. Jack smiles dumbly and assures him "You are." Both smile stupidly. Sawyer gasps as Jack's hand finds its way and cups him lightly through his jeans. He applies a little more pressure and starts rubbing him. Sawyer exhales releasing all the stress he has been piling up.

"Let's go to my bed", he manages to say. He grabs Jack's hand and drives him to his room.

They undress each other eagerly, eating themselves with their eyes. They feel connected like in a trance.

Jack works his fly and frees his cock, firmly taking him in his hand and Sawyer hisses a little. Jack runs his thumb over the head while his fingers play along the shaft. He changes the pressure and the pace experimentally trying to find out what Sawyer likes the most.

Jack shifts on top of him and Sawyer feels Jack's hard-on pushing into his thigh. The feeling of Jack's hard cock against his thigh is excruciatingly erotic. Jack kisses his way down Sawyer's torso, stopping to lick his nipples and causing Sawyer to groan, bucking into his hand a little. Jack continues to tease his way downwards with his mouth.

He pushes his index finger into Sawyer's mouth and Sawyer licks and sucks it very slowly sending shivers to Jack's cock. Jack watches him with hazy eyes and takes his finger away. Suddenly Sawyer feels the wet finger pressing against the entrance of his ass and instinctively clenches.

Jack leaves his finger there but slides his body over him till he can kiss Sawyer's neck. "Relax, it's worth it" Jack whispers into his ear completely aroused. He moves to his jaw line, licking and kissing him. Sawyer finds himself lost in Jack's touch and manages to relax a little bit. He feels Jack's finger edge its way inside him and then shifts slightly hitting a spot that Sawyer never felt before, he closes his eyes, seeing stars.

"Jack! That's … fuck" he gasps.

Jack smiles against his neck. "It's good huh?"

"So fuckin' good." Sawyer exclaims, shifting his hips restlessly.

Jack gets down on Sawyer's body, his finger massaging Sawyer's prostate gently as he takes Sawyer fully in. He runs his tongue along the underside of Sawyer's cock, a slow motion that makes Sawyer feel like he is going to go insane. He licks his slightly hairy balls very softly causing Sawyer to beg for more.

Jack tries all the sensitive spots and learns his reaction. Every few strokes he runs his tongue over the tip, licking the precome before taking him in again, right down to the root.

"Jack… oh, fuck… I'm gonna come like this…"

Sawyer's hips start moving but he tries to stay still, not knowing how Jack will react but he doesn't seem to mind as every jerk of his hips is received with a sensual grunt from Jack.

Sawyer's hand moves down to tangle in Jack's hair, his fingers run through the short hair and over his shoulder. He presses down more insistently on Sawyer's prostate, speeding up his rhythm and Sawyer starts moving. He keeps restrained at first but as Jack does nothing but take it Sawyer finds himself thrusting quicker and letting go. As he is close to come his thrusts become more erratic.

"Jack!"

He rests his head back against the pillow and let his hips thrust wildly as he comes in Jack's mouth. Jack swallows down everything Sawyer gave him and lets his cock slip shinny from his lips as he pulls out his finger. Sawyer pulls Jack towards him and finds his mouth. He tastes himself on Jack's tongue and finds himself savoring the bitter and salty taste.

"That was the best… blowjob… ever" Jack smiles proudly. Sawyer will be pleased to go to sleep just like that but knows Jack is not done yet. He has to reciprocate but doesn't know where to start. The lazy inside him speaks for him. "You wanna fuck me?" Sawyer asks directly.

"I do… only if you want me to." Jack responses very aroused by the idea of fucking Sawyer.

"I've never been fucked before." Sawyer admits.

"I can be gentle" Jack jokes and then wonders "Do you have any lube?"

"No" he says afraid.

"It's ok, I brought some." He assures him. "You brought some? What did ya think it would happen?"

"This" he says confidently and smiles.

Jack presses Sawyer down onto the bed and keeps caressing his tights over and over again. Sawyer's skin is on fire. Gently, he situates himself between Sawyer's legs and spreads them. He looks at Sawyer's ass and a rush of desire races through his cock. He concentrates on working one finger, then two, inside Sawyer's body.

Sawyer tries to relax, he trusts Jack a great deal but his body doesn't let. His mouth finds Jack's and gasps as Jack begins to move his fingers inside him one more time. This time with other purposes, now he doesn't aim to his prostate every time. Now he is concerned not to hurt Sawyer in any way. Lowering himself slowly, Jack grips Sawyer's thighs firmly and begins kissing the tender flesh there. As Jack's tongue laves over his balls, Sawyer's fingers dig in the sheets next to him.

Jack's tongue swipes over his asshole several times. Long, slow strokes that just make Sawyer's cock to stir again. Then the tip of his tongue ticks his ass, working its way inside. Another needy groan escapes Sawyer's lips, which seems to push Jack on more. His tongue presses in harder, breaching the ring of muscle with little effort. He carries on with his movements, thrusting his tongue in and out, feeling the muscles relax more and more, pulling him in, so open now, open and wet with his saliva.

"Oh God…" Sawyer mutters breathlessly.

Jack's heated tongue seems to go deeper with each thrust. The muscles of Sawyer's thighs tremble.

"Oh God, oh God, Jack" he chants. "Too fuckin' good"

Sawyer's cock has grown almost completely hard again. Jack opens the lube he brought, empties it on his hand and before spread it on his cock he wonders "Sawyer, do I need a condom?" Jack asks cautiously. "I'm clean, you?" Sawyer answers breathlessly. "I'm clean too" Jacks says and kisses Sawyer sweetly. "Ready?" Sawyer nods reassuringly.

Jack positions his cock dripping with pre-come and covered with lube at Sawyer's entrance. He takes a deep breath trying to enter him slowly and gently despite his desire to ram into him hard and fast.

Sawyer hisses in pain as Jack fills him completely, burying himself inside with one long, drawn out movement. Jack waits patiently for Sawyer to adjust to the invasion. He gazes down at him, watching the pain from Sawyer's face. "Wanna stop?" Jack asks worried as he caresses Sawyer's chest slowly.

"No, just… take it easy" Sawyer gasps. The hurt is slowly converting itself into pleasure, a pleasure that was unlike anything Sawyer had ever felt before in his life. Jack painstakingly repeats his previous action, drawing out and pushing back in, feeling Sawyer begin to relax around him, allowing him inside. Sawyer's head is tilted back against the pillows and Jack watches him as he moves, the abdomen's muscles slowly getting wet from the friction and the heat.

Jack's hand moves between their rocking bodies and grabs hold of his cock. Sawyer immediately covers Jack's hand with his, both of their fingers wrapping around Sawyer's erection and pumping hard as Jack continues to thrust into Sawyer's willing body.

"You're so fucking tight" Jack cries in pleasure. Sawyer closes his eyes again overwhelmed by every feeling.

"Look at me" Jack pleads groaning, his voice husky and deep. Sawyer lets out a guttural moan and begins fisting harder, forces his eyes open but his lids feel heavy. He can't keep them open, the sensations are too much.

"Oh god, shit… fuck me… fuck me… fuck me harder. Fill me, Jack" He tosses his head back on the pillow again as he struggles against his orgasm for control of his body.

"Look at me" Jack commands. Sawyer once again forces his gaze to Jack, his pupils dilated with intense pleasure and unable to focus entirely. Jack dips his head and captures Sawyer's mouth in his, mimicking the thrusting of his body with his tongue.

"I love your cock inside me. So perfect. Fill me with that hot cream of yours."

Sawyer's body starts to tighten around him and beneath him and Jack knows he's about to lose control. His own body can't handle it either. He comes wildly triggered by Sawyer's words and empties himself into him. The world around him goes black. He feels dizzy but manages to train his eyes on Sawyer's face as he thrusts one last time, spending himself completely.

He pumps Sawyer's cock one more time before Sawyer finally gives in, his eyes rolling upwards, and cries a guttural and strong noise. The come reaching both their hands and chest.

Jack collapses on top of Sawyer, sticky and wet but satiated. He can feel Sawyer trembling underneath him and realizes that he's trembling too. Completely wasted, he lies on Sawyer for a few moments while he catches his breath. After a while he begins kissing Sawyer's neck, then his jaw line and mouth once more. Sawyer lets out a tiny whimper as Jack moves, pulling out and readjusting himself on top of him.

They stay like that, without thinking about anything, just feeling themselves completely satisfied and what it could be happiness in some level.

Time passes and Sawyer manages to speak. "Wow doc! I've never thought I'd say this, but you're a definitely my new hero, Dr. Tongueman" he murmurs against Jack's mouth, small laugh playing at his lips.

"I've been waiting this moment for years" Jack whispers back and pulls back from him.

"So how come you know how to touch a man so well? Thought you were married and then you were with Kate and all. You ever had a boyfriend or somethin'?" Sawyer asks intrigued.

"No. I had a thing with my friend Mark during college, but it didn't last long. Then I got the degree and married Sarah. Did everything my family was expecting me to do. My dad died, the plane crashed and then… I saw you."

"What?" He says laughing. "That hardly explains your experienced hands not to mention that incredible tongue of yours."

Jack looks away embarrassed.

"C'mon doc! You were leadin' pretty confident just a few minutes ago."

"I slept with Boone a few times." Jack says blatantly.

"Boone? Really?" He says making a weird face. "I'm jealous."

Jack laughs. "Don't be. It was you I was thinking of. You have no idea. I couldn't get you outta my mind. Anyway, he came to me one night feeling pretty sure I was gay or something. I fought it at first and then gave in. I was needed and you hated me back then! Besides he is dead."

"I've never hated you!" Sawyer yells.

"So… what now?" Jack asks knowing it was a difficult question to ask.

"Now, I… fuck … you senseless." Sawyer grins showing his sexy dimples.

"Who's feeling confident now?"

"Did ya let Boone fuck you?"

"He preferred to bottom"

"So what? You don't bottom?"

Jack touches Sawyer's cock harshly and whispers in his ear. "I've been dreaming of having you inside me for almost five years, you'd better fuck me long and hard till I can't walk for days." Sawyer's eyes go black with lust and all his blood goes directly to his cock for the third time this day, he can't believe it.

"Well look at that" Sawyer says pointing to their cocks, both hard again.

"It would be a terrible waste not to take advantage of that." Jack jokes.

"It's the third time for me today. It's been a while."

"I've been jerking off the whole week thinking about you." Jack admits openly.

"Yeah? What did ya imagine?"

"I…" he finds it difficult to put it into words, he's completely turned on with just the thought of it. "You were slamming it into me from behind. You bit my neck harshly and then your tongue was everywhere. So hot."

Sawyer approaches him tentatively. Both of them are laying down facing each other. Sawyer extends his hand and cups Jack's face. He kisses him softly taking all the time of the world, allowing themselves to get very hard.

He slowly caresses Jack's back and waist. The gentle touch causes Jack to get the chills. Sawyer kisses his neck, behind the ear and the shoulder. Jack's ass is anticipating all the pleasure that it is to come.

"Please Sawyer" Jack begs.

"You're beggin' me?" Sawyer teases as he licks Jack's right nipple till it gets really hard and he bites it a little bit.

"Jesus, fuck" Jack is absolutely excited.

Sawyer wets his fingers and starts massaging Jack's ass. He marvels as how the muscles contract and relax to his touch. Jack breathes harder each time panting and gasping for more. Sawyer tries to put his finger in but feels Jack resistance and so he stops. "It's ok, just push harder." He enters one finger and stars moving in and out. The pressure around his finger is completely exquisite. He is so aroused at the moment imaging that it's his cock and not his finger what it's inside Jack's ass.

Sawyer pulls out his finger and then pushes back in with two, still being so gentle and careful with his hand while his mouth bruises against Jack's. Jack's hard and impatient for something else and can feel the anticipation leaking of himself.

Sawyer wants to be inside Jack so badly and the thought of it makes him thrust harder against Jack.

"Forget the foreplay, Sawyer" Jack pleads. "Just fuck me" Sawyer pulls back his head slightly so he can gauge Jack's expression.

"I don't wanna hurt you." He tells him.

"You won't. You did good" Jack mumbles, his hands finding Sawyer's ass and squeezing firmly, pressing Sawyer's groin tightly to his. "Please…"

Sawyer nods and removes his fingers from Jack. As he sees doubt in Sawyer's eyes, Jack immediately moves away and gets on his knees, leaning forward so his head and shoulders are on the pillows.

"This position will be easier." Jack says. Sawyer nods and says. "Just like how you pictured it" He chuckles.

Sawyer gets up and shifts behind him, covering his body with his own. He reaches around and took Jack's cock in his hand, stroking it gently. He nudges Jack's legs apart further with his other hand and moves in closer as Jack felt his heartbeat speed up. Sawyer licks and bites gently the back of Jack's neck before he pushes slowly in.

Sawyer stills inside him, resting his weight against Jack as he continues to stroke his cock, his breath hot and ragged against Jack's neck.

It felt like forever before Sawyer starts to move but when he does Jack feel himself surrounded by sensations, every one of them better than the last. By the way Sawyer felt inside him, so strong and solid and Sawyer's breath on the back of his neck, Jack thinks he might explode at any second.

"Fuck Jack, so good, so tight" he says.

Sawyer shifts slightly and starts hitting Jack's prostate. Jack feels him and he knows they both are getting close.

As Sawyer starts to pick up speed, Jack find himself moving back against him, meeting his thrusts and pushing him deeper in totally abandon.

"I'm gonna come baby" Sawyer says. Sawyer holds his cock tighter as his movements become clumsier and heavier right before he comes, staying buried deep inside Jack as he continues to jerk him off, his strokes getting faster and harder before Jack spills onto the sheets.

They lay there for a moment before Sawyer gently pulls out of him and they collapse onto the bed together, somehow managing a deep, sensuous kiss before they both lose the ability to move anymore.

"You're so fuckin' hot." Jack smiles. "You're hotter." They kiss and laugh like teenagers.

"I have to pick Clementine up in like an hour. I'm gonna take a shower." He stands up. "Jesus I can't move." He laughs.

"Can I join you?" Jack asks for permission.

"'Course babe."

"Babe huh? Are you in love?"

"Maybe. You have an amazin' ass!" He jokes.

"Yeah? It's my ass you love?" Jack says attacking Sawyer. They playfully fight towards the shower, both naked and beautiful.

They kiss under water and softly clean each other. Then they finish dressing in silence looking at each other and smiling stupidly.

"Do you want to stay for dinner and eat with us?" Sawyer asks him.

"I'd like that very much, but I don't want to impose"

"I don´t think I can be away from you anymore." He admits.

Jack kisses him deeply. "Me neither."

Jack grabs his car keys. "I have to take care of some papers from work. I'm going to my place and then come back around 5.30, sounds good?"

"Perfect."


	4. Chapter 4

Title: Everybody hurts – Chapter 4: Mixed up feelings

Author: Miles Sinnerman

Date Finished: Sometime this year

Disclaimer: I don't own them. They own me, body and soul :P

* * *

><p>Sawyer answers the door and smiles when he sees Jack.<p>

"Hey" Jack says.

"Hey yourself" he just looks at him without aiming to move at all.

Clementine appears from nowhere between Sawyer legs. "Hi Jack!" She says timidly.

"Hello Clemmie!" Jack says as he kneels to her level. "How are you?" he tries but she says nothing and becomes shy.

"You know what? I brought you something" he tells her mysteriously changing the strategy.

She, now, pays attention to him. "You wanna know what it is?" he smiles at her as she nods sheepishly.

"Ok. Close your eyes" the little girl obeys and waits anxiously.

Jack produces a huge pink package out of nowhere and puts it in front of her. "Open up!"

The blonde's daughter sees the package and happily grabs it watching at Jack. "Open it" he says. Clementine doesn't know where to start opening it. Her smile is beautiful and Jack finds Sawyer's gestures in her, the way she rolls her eyes and her fearless attitude once she feels self-assured. She manages to open it without asking for help which pleases her above all. It's a huge and mushy doll. The girl loves it and hugs it tightly. "Clem?" Sawyer asks.

"Thank you, Jack" says happily showing her small dimples.

"You're welcome honey" Clementine kisses him on the cheek and they hug each other tenderly. She runs away immediately after to play with her new doll.

Jack stands up and kisses Sawyer on the cheek, leaving his lips there a little longer while Sawyer caresses his hip and lower back. "Nice move, doc" he says referring to the doll.

Jack smiles "I also brought some wine"

"I so wanna kiss you right now" he says moving his lips almost whispering. He knows better not to, not with his daughter a few feet away.

Sawyer finishes all the details for the dinner. He made pork chops with mushroom sauce and noisette potatoes. Everything smells amazing.

"Wow! You made all this? I didn't know you cook so well." He says as he contemplates the food and Sawyer's hands working skillfully.

Sawyer moves his head a little to the left and looks at Jack through his hair "There's plenty you don't 'bout me, doc"

"I wanna know everything" says enunciating every word.

"We'll see" he answers seriously as he turns around, grabs a kitchen cloth, cleans his hands a puts the cloth over his shoulder.

"You're playing hard on me again?" He knows Sawyer is joking but he feels a little worried nevertheless.

"I'm a complex guy, sweetheart" Sawyer turns to look at Jack and spreads his arms showing his palms in the air, then shifts again to check the food and smiles. Jack smiles as well, feeling relieved.

During dinner, Clementine talks to Jack about her school, her teachers and classmates and the doctor seems to genuinely care nodding and smiling effortlessly. Sawyer can easily fall for that.

They finish eating and Sawyer puts Clementine to bed after she said goodnight to Jack.

While Sawyer is busy with his daughter, Jack turns on the radio and tries to find a neutral station. Nothing seems right for the occasion until he reaches a jazz station and River Man by Brad Mehldau starts playing.

They both go to the couch and cuddle while they finish the wine. Sawyer sits with Jack leaning on his chest both looking in the same direction, both enjoying themselves.

"I should go" Jack says without really want to, lifting his head awkwardly to find Sawyer's eyes.

"I don't want you to" he blurts feeling betrayed by his own words and looking away. He has lost his filter somehow. How he can possibly be so open with his feelings when only yesterday he was hiding from view and not picking up the phone.

"I have to work tomorrow" he answers grabbing Sawyer's hand in his.

"Why do you keep workin' by the way? You don't have to" He meant to sound casual but it turned up demanding.

"It's not just something I do. It's who I am, Sawyer"

"Yeah, I know _doc_, but you wore yourself out doin' it"

"I can take it easy now though."

"Why now?" he inquires.

"'Cause I used to use it as an excuse, work hard not to think about anything else, you know?"

"Anythin' else?" He's not sure what Jack means, but got a hint.

"You basically" he says ashamed.

"Can I ask you somethin'?" he asks not entirely comfortable with Jack's confession, knowing they could have been together all this time.

"Shoot"

"Back then on the island, why did ya kiss me?"

Jack smiles and is glad Sawyer can't look at him. "Because you're hot" Jack responses articulating every word.

"Serious question!"

"'Cause you were sick and I wanted you to know how I felt about you."

"How did ya feel?" he wants to know.

"I had a crush on you."

"A crush? What are you, twelve?" He laughs hard, waits a bit and then adds "Just a crush?"

"A big one, ok?" He shifts his body upwards so his head fits the crook of Sawyer's neck.

"Little faith you'd had in ya"

"Why you say that?" he furrows his eyebrows a little bit.

"You're a great doctor."

"Well you'd lost a lot of blood. There wasn't much I could do for you."

"You gave your blood to Boone even though he hadn't gotten any chance to live and you are a universal donor. So what's your excuse?"

"I don't need one. You were gonna make it, deep down I knew that. You had a fever and an awful infection but you were tough and you fought. If things would have complicated just a little bit more, I would have given you my blood, don't you doubt about it and stop being jealous of Boone, 'cause this is all it is"

"You loved him?" Sawyer inquires.

"I cared about him, but never loved him. You?"

"Me? Boone?" he asks confused.

"I mean Cassidy, you loved her?"

"We were talkin' about ya. Not fair."

"Come on, I answered all your questions without complaining." He shifts his head again to look at him.

"Before the island she loved me and I thought I did as well, but didn't for real. After the island we both knew we were together for Clementine. She accepted me back 'cause she knew she was dyin'. She needed me. That's all."

"You've really never been with a man before?"

"No" he answers shortly.

"But how come you like me then?" Jack asks in disbelief.

"Why did you kiss me?"

"I told you why"

"Yeah, but how did you think I'd react?"

"I don't know. Deep down, I thought you'll like it. That you were into it too."

"Well, it looks like you knew it before I do" he tries to get away with it.

"Bullshit, you had to know. I mean when you went to school, didn't you feel something?"

"I was raised in a foster home"

"So?"

"So we got this priest who always told us if we had certain feelings we could burn in hell. He was pretty insistent about it. "

"And as you grew older?"

"I don't want to talk about it"

"What? Tell me"

"You'll feel sorry for me. I don't want that"

"You won't know that till you tell me"

"I'd rather not"

"C'mon" Jack grabs his fingers and kisses them one after the other. "I promise I won't tell anyone" he tries jokingly.

Sawyer exhales deeply and begins.

"I had this friend, he was my best friend. We um… liked each other. I don't know. We fooled around a few times, just kisses. Only one time we touched each other. We came so hard and quick" he laughs thinking about it.

"We were just a week to turn 16 and be free at last when the other kids found out about us. I hid in our special place and waited for him. I was so fuckin' scared. He never showed up, so I went out lookin' for him. I found him layin' on the floor. They say he fell, but he was fuckin' beaten to death. Message was clear, the priest was right, I was livin' hell right on earth."

Jack feels sad, angry and useless all at the same time. There's nothing to say. They both remain in silence breathing in and out, listening to their heartbeats and nothing else. Sawyer holds Jack in his arms. Jack's head rests on Sawyer's arm while they play with their fingers crossing and uncrossing them. "You should go". Sawyer feels Jack stopped breathing a while ago. He can't move or speak.

"You sure?" his voice comes out in a whisper.

"Yeah" he says a little grumpy.

He knows Jack can't stay, not yet at least. He needs to talk to his daughter first and he needs her daughter to be ok with everything. If not, he'll probably respect her decision and won't push her in any way.

"Ok"

They say goodbye at the door kissing long and deeply. Sawyer's mouth devours Jacks. He's hypnotized by him.

"My ass is killin' me" he admits to Jack when they stop for air.

Jack laughs a little. "I'm sorry" he looks at Sawyer that remains still, looking seriously at him and Jack laughs even more. "I'm sorry" now he's sorry for laughing out loud so hard but Sawyer gets on with it and laughs as well. They look at each other and can't stop laughing.

"Well, as a doctor I should tell you to rest, eat light and take some meds if it gets worse. As your lover I'd say get used to it_._"

"You cocky bastard"

"Come here" he kisses him one more time. "See you tomorrow?" Sawyer asks hopefully.

"Um, I don't know. I'll have a busy day."

"There's no reason for you to eat alone at night anymore."

"What are you implying?"

"Nothin'. I don't know" _Fuck_, his feelings out there in the open again. What's going on with him?

"We should slow down. I want this to be perfect, ok?"

"You want everythin' to be perfect. Perfect doesn't exist."

"Yes it does. You're perfect for me" Jack kisses him again and tries to communicate through the kiss that everything will be ok.

"Um…" Sawyer coughs slightly. "I'll call you."


End file.
